A guide to conscious and balanced relationships

Written by Manny & Michael |

This article is written on a topic that should be relevant to all our lives. We are all involved in relationships of various types, and the quality of our lives can be measured to some extent by the quality of the relationships that we are involved in. Today, Michael and I have had a two hour dialogue on the topic of relationships, and have transcribed the essence of it for your reading pleasure. It is intended as a series of insights into some of the most interesting, challenging and rewarding aspects of relationships. We hope that you enjoy.

Why are we attracted to certain people more than others?

Michael: We all have a hierarchy of inner priorities or things we value most, all the way down to what we value least. When we meet someone whom we see more similarities than differences in, we have a level of attraction or infatuation with that person. If we saw more differences than similarities, we would be more likely to be repelled than attracted. The people we are attracted to, are generally a composite of all the things that supported our values up to this point in time.

Manny: It's what the person 'represents to us' that generates the attraction at first, more so than the reality of who they truly are?

Michael: In a sense yes, because we go through life searching for things that support our values and beliefs. We give off vibrations, the things that support our values have a vibration also, when those vibrations are resonant, we have a synchronization that brings about the feelings of attraction and infatuation.

"someone who has a high value on mental capacities as an example, will look for that more so than physical”

Manny: The physical and romantic attraction is a combination between an energetic, spiritual attraction, and a biological, physical attraction.

Michael: Whether people want to admit it or not, the first thing a person looks at is the physical aspects of the other person. Then they move around the 7 primary areas, checking out their mental capacities, what sort of job do they have, what’s their financial status, are they single or married, what’s their social circle like, what are their spiritual beliefs... And then we rank them and in a sense score them against our ideal.

Manny: So, as much as we like to believe that attraction is purely a mysterious thing, it's very much a process of instant evaluation?

Michael: Yes, and depending on the person doing the ranking, their unique hierarchy of values will determine what they are ideally looking for. Someone who has a high value on mental capacities as an example, will look for that more than the physical.

Manny: So from the 'spiritual' or vibrational perspective, we can say that this vibrational feeling comes from a resonation in values. Or at least our perception of similarities, of having similar values to the person we are evaluating.

We are attracted to the similarities first, and through the process of discovery, and the unfolding of natural relationship dynamics, we gradually recognize that there are as many differences as there are similarities.

At first we have them up on a pedestal, we infatuate with them and perceive more similarities than differences, and then with time we notice more and more differences, which can lead to resentments and the breakdown of our fantasies. Wisdom comes from embracing the balance of similarities and differences and honoring the partner as a complete human being; not as a fantasy or projection of who you think they ‘should’ be.

Michael: Yes, and when we are in the relationship, we generally discover a dynamic compilation of complimentary opposites being played out.

Manny: But what about people who really seem to be looking for someone to fill their voids? IE: "I'm weak, I need someone strong" "I'm dependent, I need an independent man to bring me outta my shell" "I'm lazy, I need an outgoing guy"

Michael: This is usually their fantasy; once in the relationship they will discover the new person has both sides. When they are out there looking, they will be attracted to the things that support what it is they are looking for. If they think they are weak, and are looking for someone strong, then they haven't yet woken up to where they themselves are strong... This new person, overtime will help them to discover this in themselves. That’s one of the purposes of a relationship, to awaken you to your own areas of weakness, so you can learn and ultimately grow to become a more integrated and empowered person.

Are we wise to step back and evaluate before we dive into a relationship?

Michael: It is wise when going into a new relationship, to step back and evaluate. At the beginning, we go through the infatuation stage, and the more infatuated we are, the more we put this person on a pedestal, and what ever we put on a pedestal, sooner or later we will put in the pits and have resentment towards it.

So when entering into a new relationship, it is wise to ask yourself and look for this person’s downsides and find the drawbacks, to help you to eliminate and bring down this infatuation. Because when you put someone on a pedestal, you minimize yourself relative to them. No person is worth putting on a pedestal, or in the pit, but everyone is worth putting in the heart.

Manny: The purpose of this evaluation is to come to a balanced perspective, to see the self and the other as we really are. To be able to enjoy true love, without the constant battle of perception, between resentment and infatuation... to be able to communicate clearly and effectively, from the heart, instead of from a place of lack or of arrogance towards the other person. It's a place of true caring.

If we continue to evaluate and reflect sincerely throughout the relationship, we can maintain a deeper state of love, appreciation and strength through the many trials and tribulations that life throws our way.

Michael: If you are infatuated and minimizing yourself to this person, you will find yourself being careful in your communication, like a child speaking to an adult. If you are resentful of the person, you will exaggerate yourself and minimize them and become careless in your communication, like a parent growling at a child. In the center, from the balanced perspective, when you see an equal amount of benefits and drawbacks, you are now capable of having caring communication, like an adult speaking with care and respect to another adult.

Are arguments healthy?

Manny: Arguments initially come from a place of imbalance (ie: having unrealistic expectations of partner), but can lead to a clarification of one's feelings, boundaries, and values, which may result in a clearer communication and overall breakthrough within the relationship. Arguments can lead to a more balanced perspective, as they force you to see both sides of a situation.

Michael: Arguments are both constructive and destructive, healthy and unhealthy. In saying this they are also necessary for growth to occur. If it was always pleasant and nice and sweet and kind, you would soon get pretty bored and treat the other person like a door mat. You need both support and challenge in a relationship.

Being just nice and kind, giving and generous etc... that isn't love, its only half of love. The other half, is mean at times, its cruel, stingy and challenging at times also. The supportive traits tend to keep us dependent, the challenging traits help us to become more independent.

Manny: By no means should anybody panic or feel that something is 'wrong' with the relationship because they are getting into arguments. Every argument is communicating something deeper that needs expression and clarification. Such as values or needs not being met.

Michael: Correct. Every argument is a lesson in love, it is guiding you to love yourself and the other person more fully, more completely and comprehensively.

What about couples that never argue!?

Michael: This is called repression, and that repression is being expressed elsewhere, someone else is receiving the anger and frustration. If the repression is not expressed to the right person now, it will be later, in a much more angry hurtful and resentful way.

Manny: So if two people in a relationship never argue, they are repressing their unexpressed emotions towards each other?

Michael: If they are not seeing both sides of each other, then they don't really know each other fully. If they don’t know each other fully, they can never truly love each other unconditionally.

What’s interesting is that when we are trying to impress others, we only show them our good, nice, positive side. When we know someone reasonably well, like a friend, we show them mostly our nice, kind, caring side, and sometimes we show them a little of our other more negative side. As we get closer to a person, say like a family member, we show them both our positive sides and more of our negative sides. The person we are closest to, we show almost equally our positives and our negatives, our goods and our bads, and yet these are the people who love us the most.

Manny: So really, when we aren't expressing our darker side in a relationship, it's a matter of repression and trying to impress, as opposed to simply having a wonderful, idealized, harmonious union.

Michael: Yes, I believe so. Both parties are essentially minimizing themselves relative to each other.

Manny: Because every person has every trait, a positive and negative side, all this needs to be expressed in some form or another, or it leads to serious imbalance. So we are wise to be natural, authentic and honest with our partners, instead of living up to a fantasy ideal of what the perfect relationship should be.

Michael: Yes. Even in a relationship for example, each person already knows if they were to break up, who would get what, it’s all been sorted in our own heads, why not be honest and communicate this with each other? Every person also has moments where they fantasize about being alone or single, you have probably even imagined your partners death... there is nothing WRONG with this. It’s all perfectly normal.

“There are benefits and drawbacks to being in a relationship, there are benefits and drawbacks to being single, it comes down to what you value.”

Why do people in relationships take each other for granted?

Manny: From the important perspectives we’ve learned Abraham Maslow’s work, we could say that when our safety needs and love needs are stable and satiated, we move on to seeking the fulfillment of more complex needs. This means that when we have achieved stability, certainty, consistency and comfort in our experience of being loved and being in a relationship, we naturally become aware of ‘higher needs’ that are not yet fulfilled, and we start seeking and valuing them above that which is already stable in our lives. Without consciously cultivating gratitude, we undervalue what we have, and this can lead to the relationship running on autopilot and losing it’s spark of conscious caring and unconditional love.

Some examples of ‘higher needs’ could be: the quest for peak success in fitness, career, academia. Or the pursuit of deeper spiritual understanding, broader self actualization, fulfilling a dream to contribute to the community, nation or world at large.

Michael: Yes, Voids drive values, what ever is most missing becomes most important. When a value fills a void we feel fulfilled and we move onto the next void, which drives a newer more highly evolved value. The good news is that as we grow and expand as individuals, we become capable of being more inclusive, less egocentric, and we can move onto larger more complex issues whilst still being grateful and loving and not undervaluing our relationships.

Manny: So let’s lay it out with simplicity and clarity... If we are in a stable relationship situation, how can we sustain the fire of romance while we are also seeking higher needs?

Michael: This comes down to honoring the other person’s values (their internal priorities) without dishonoring your own values: respect for self and respect for the other. When you honor their values without sacrificing your own, you have a mutual understanding, a win win for both and you use caring communication.

Manny: So we have to consciously step back from our routines, from our constant stream of thoughts. Review our relationship. Reflect on it. Approach it with curiosity and an open heart. Look at the other person’s values, and determine how we can value them without devaluing our own, and then ACT upon that knowledge.

Michael: Yes, many people won't do this however, but it is a wise thing to do. It is wise to know your own values and your partners values, your own likes and dislikes, their likes and dislikes. By taking a little time two to four times a year, you can really enhance the communication in your relationships. The truth is, you and they are worth doing this for.

Even something as little as at the end of each day, both sitting together and asking each other, what are the things that you are grateful for today, can have a huge impact... Or what were the things you enjoyed about today, and what were the things that bugged you about today...

Also, take 5 to 10 minutes to just sit and gaze into each others eyes. This will allow you to see deep within your partner's heart and soul... And then communicate your love for each other... In an honest and sincere way, just say what comes from the heart.

Manny: Brilliant, like a type of awareness practice.

Michael: Yes.

Manny: Getting beyond the everyday routines and streams of consciousness... There's so much more to be experienced and expressed. We need to go beyond the ordinary intellect to experience it. And y’know, love is worth it. We owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to step back from our autopilot mode, to open our hearts and minds and communicate, or just be with each other in a present and caring state. These present moments become the peak experiences of our lives and the reference points of our soul. The more we open up to this deeper connection, the more it illuminates our lives with frequency and intensity.

Michael: You can also sit down a couple of times each year, and write out those little things about your partner that push your buttons and annoy you. Once you have them listed, ask yourself, “Where do I also do this? Who has seen me being this way? And list 50 names of people who have seen you also be this way or do that action.

Own to the same degree what it is that you are seeing in them. Once you can honestly have those things owned, ask yourself how them being that way, serves you. List 50 benefits for each trait that bugs you. This will help you to appreciate them even more, to fully love them for who they are, not just who you would like them to be.

Is it important/healthy to lay down foundations, boundaries, hopes and dreams, or commence in-depth communication early on? Or are we wiser to just let go and go with the flow?

Michael: I think it is important to be honest in communication early on. I would advise being careful however about placing expectations upon others, it is our expectations upon others that often hurt us the most.

People will set their own boundaries and expectations dependent on their own values, but these boundaries and expectations are really transient, and will evolve as your relationship grows.

Manny: But just say you want to have children and the other person does not, we are wise to put it on the table, right?

Michael: Yes, definitely put it on the table. Be straight in your communication, and be prepared to take what you get. You may not like the response you get, it is wise to be ready for that.

What is the true power of gratitude in relationships, and what is the difference between love and unconditional love?

Manny: Gratitude ensures that an encompassing and balanced perspective prevails over an emotionally turbulent one. It opens our heart to love and inspiration, and grounds us in the present. Gratitude also allows us to seek higher needs and truths, while also grounded in the present; deeply thankful for what is. It allows an experience of wholeness, happiness and fulfillment right here and now.

Michael: The true power of gratitude in relationships is acceptance of what is as it is without any desire to change it. If you desire to change something in your relationship then you are not grateful for it as it is, if you are not truly grateful for it, then it is conditional. "I like it when you are like this, but i don't like you when you behave in this way." Unconditional love however is grateful for what is and has no desire to change anything. We only have moments of unconditional love and gratitude, the majority of time in our relationships we oscillate around the central mean, we experience moments of like and dislike, infatuation and resentment; all of these oscillating emotional states are conditional not unconditional.

Manny: But it is perfectly natural for us to oscillate through the highs and lows, and this is a normal and healthy part of a relationship; nothing to get hung up on right? Yet, unconditional love does increases in intensity and frequency as we practice it consciously and consistently.

Michael: Definitely.

When people say that they can’t find somebody... Is this really true, or are there unconscious motives at play?

Michael: Yes, usually there are a couple of things at play here. Firstly they are usually comparing potential suitors to a fantasy or ideal that they have in mind and no one can match up to it. Secondly there is usually past hurts that haven't been resolved and dissolved that the person does want to experience again, so they unconsciously erect boundaries and sabotage the possibility of that same thing occurring again. It is only in learning to love and resolve that past hurt, that the person can truly move on.

Discover through the art of contemplation and reflection exactly what those hurts and pains are, ask yourself how they served you, and answer the question 50 to 100 times, this will allow you to become grateful for the experience and see the many benefits for it. If you are truly grateful for the experience, you will have no fear of it occurring again and will therefore be able to drop your boundaries and allow someone back in again.

Because of these pains and hurts, whatever the person is looking for, if they look, they will find it dispersed amongst many instead of One. Once they dissolve those pains and hurts, and drop the boundaries, they can now manifest back from the many into One.